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Attractiveness is all about mindset. There is no right or wrong with what makes someone or something beautiful, rather our personal idea of attractiveness is made up of our mental presets that include our values, beliefs, experiences and memories. That’s why someone can find something incredibly attractive while someone else will ignore it completely. One person can ohh and ahh over a gorgeous sunset while someone else will complain that it’s cold and they are getting eaten by mosquitoes.
NLP (or Neuro Linguistic Programming) is the study of excellence through our internal and external communication. Communication isn’t about talking so much as interacting. We are constantly interacting with our surroundings, including other people, through a barrage of thoughts, beliefs and filtering systems that manage what we see and how we make sense of it all.
The presets in our mind look for things we already know and point them out to us. If we have a present that we are unattractive, boring or unworthy, our mind will constantly find ways to confirm this by commuting this in everything we do.
The barista forgot your coffee order, must be because you’re unattractive and boring. It couldn’t possibly be because her boyfriend just broke up with her and she’s having a tough day!
No one said hi to you at the gym today, see I told you, you’re not worth noticing.
Think about it though, did you say hi to anyone at the gym? Did you make eye contact with the barista to gently remind them you were there?
Switching on ideas of attractiveness is simply a matter of changing your communication presets to look for ways you are interesting, talented and worthy. When you change your mind, you open multiple opportunities to behave in ways that get the results you actually want in life, instead of living the same old unattractive patterns over and over.
Usually there are deeper, more meaningful traits that determine what we find attractive. These also depend on our values and beliefs, just like our mental presets do.
If you think about someone who thinks that being slender is attractive, it may actually be about discipline and health, not really about appearance. Someone who finds muscles attractive might actually have a high value for strength and power.
NLP looks for the reasons behind the facade to understand our true desires and meet our needs on a more intimate level.
The drivers for attractiveness could be:
To find ourselves more attractive and appear more attractive to others we need to really understand who we are, what we want and how valuable we are as unique human beings.
So many people water down their unique traits and talents in an effort to ‘fit in’.
Squashing ourselves down to fit inside other people’s expectations limits what we can offer and prevents us from being attractive.
Here’s the thing, when you stop hiding, and you show up as your true, authentic self, you give other people permission to stop hiding too. The people you are trying to hide behind are most likely hiding as well, so when you release yourself from the prison of other people’s expectations, you give everyone around you permission to stop and let go, to be themselves and be attractive and live how they are supposed to.
It might not sound like much at this point in your journey but once you start on your path of You, and you feel the difference it makes to let go, being a point of inspiration to others is often the key motivation for people to keep going and stay the course (and yes, it’s attractive to be around someone who feels a determination to help others achieve more in their life).
We can go our whole lives limited and squashed down by small-box lives. We forget to go outside and enjoy the fresh air. We get trapped into a stagnant pattern of going to work, coming home, watching TV: repeat. We can’t live a life like that. That area is too small to be anything other than a copy of everyone else.
Attractiveness is about stepping up to be who you really are, getting outside the small box life and the great thing is there is nothing that you need to do for that to happen, there is nothing you need to add in, you just have to accept who you are and see that you are valuable and what you bring to the table is amazing.
Do you tell yourself that you are amazing? Are you surrounded by people who believe in your worth? Or maybe people do tell you how great you are and you brush it off or put up some kind of excuse.
Maybe right now you are thinking, ‘saying I’m amazing is arrogant.’
Who told you that? Really think about who told you you can’t be a bright and amazing person. You can- you already are you just have to let the real (imperfect/flawed/unpredictable) you out.
One of the presuppositions of NLP is that everyone is doing the best they can with the information they have available. So the person who told you to be quiet, don’t draw attention, don’t be different was probably trapped by other people’s expectations, or triggered by emotions like embarrassment, shame, guilt or fear. We might have listened to them once, but we can choose to believe something different now.
You have the opportunity to break that cycle, get out of the limited, negative space and step up to your true, athletic self by learning NLP and understanding that the map is not the territory: We are bigger than our experiences and what we already know.
Learning NLP teaches us that everything we do has a positive intention in our subconscious mind. Even our most destructive, self-sabotaging behaviour has some kind of positive intent deep down. Our subconscious mind is working hard to look after us and get our deepest emotional needs met….which isn’t always helpful in the real world. Like telling ourselves we aren’t attractive, talented, interesting or worthy.
Until we understand the reason behind our unwanted or limiting behaviours, it’s almost impossible to break the cycle.
Understanding what those intentions are, enables us to find new ways to get our needs met in a more effective way as well as show us what we are really capable of. This way we can still feel safe/like we are contributing/honest/humble AND believe we are attractive, interesting worthy people.
NLP always looks for win-win situations, both internally within ourselves, and in the bigger world around us.
The benefits of learning NLP and the impact it can make is just about limitless. Because we don’t have time to cover everything, I’ve chosen the top three ways NLP can help change your mindset to be more attractive.
Confidence is just someone who believes in themselves. It’s someone who understands that everyone messes up, someone who has the resilience to bounce back after a setback and someone who is accepting of who they are, just as they are.
You can gain confidence through:
There is nothing attractive about someone throwing a tantrum when they don’t get their way. Sulking for hours, the silent treatment or kicking a door in? Equally unattractive responses.
We can choose our behavioural responses and take responsibility for how we handle our emotions and upheavals.
Having confidence and loving life is something we can choose for ourselves through thick and thin, not just when things are going our way. It’s how we handle chaos that our behaviour really matters and shows us who we really are.
NLP teaches us how to choose our responses so that we remain in charge of our direction at all times.
Judgement, criticism and gossip might seem like an easy way to make conversation but it speaks volumes about who you are, and not in a good way. The first thought that occurs in someone’s subconscious mind when they hear negative talk is, ‘Do they say things about me behind my back too?’
Hearing negative talk leads to distrust and uncertainty, which, however subtle, isn’t attractive.
There’s a bigger reason too. Negative talk about others is actually a reflection of yourself and what you believe about you. The only way you can see all these negative things is if you are aware of them in yourself, which is seriously unattractive to others, and let’s be clear here, you don’t need to study NLP to pick up on these messages. We are all programmed in NLP naturally, we are picking up and translating these signals without any training or assistance. The only difference between NLP in a classroom and NLP in life is that you get to choose how you learn in the classroom through conscious awareness and adoption to increase positive practices and align with your internal goals.
What is attractive is the absolute acceptance of all people.
When you are supportive of others and shown understanding, people feel that you will be accepting of them, and that you are accepting of yourself.
We all make mistakes in life, so having someone close by who is forgiving and understanding is a real plus. You will also naturally be more accepting of your own mistakes and differences, giving you a calmer and more patient and forgiving mindset.
You can achieve all this just by consciously avoiding gossip and criticisms of others, both aloud and through your internal thoughts. Whenever you notice criticism pop into your thoughts, change it to something positive and accepting.
Most people don’t listen, they just wait (somewhat impatiently) for their turn to speak. When you stop talking and just listen, people find you incredibly interesting, why? Because they are talking about themselves, it’s their favourite subject! Give them the floor and be attentive and curious and you will make a lifelong impact as someone who cares, really cares about who they are and what they have to offer. It’s as simple as remembering names, details and stories and asking open-ended questions.
You can also listen with your eyes and mimic their body language, tone and sentence speed to really show them you are on the same page and are paying close attention.
When we overthink what to say, I guarantee you’ll say the wrong thing. People can be afraid to really open up and talk in case they put their foot in it. Being guarded won’t come across well, in fact the other person will likely think, ‘Wow, I’m really boring them, they are so not interested in this.’
Being honest is a way of showing your enthusiasm for what the other person is saying (just remember to avoid criticism and nasty comments).
Communication is much more than words. NLP teaches you about communicating through body language, eye patterns, information size and a host of other things so even if you do say the wrong thing, it won’t come across in a negative way because it is packaged so well.
No one likes a hypocrite, but so often what we value most isn’t how we live our lives. “Do what I say, not what I do,” isn’t appealing or attractive. You need to make sure what you preach is also how you act if you want people to trust what you say.
When your values align with the way you live your life you will feel happier, be less conflicted and calmer. It also helps you to work through conflicts more easily and make decisions with more certainty too.
My NLP course in Sydney, Excellence Now, is a six-day training program that is conducted in person with live demonstrations and hands-on activities that fully immerse you as both a client and NLP practitioner so get an in-depth and lasting understanding of how NLP works.
You get to see the techniques in action and put practices to the test with incredible and instant results that will change your life for the better.
You’ll also have the support and encouragement of a room of incredible and amazing unique individuals just like you to create lifelong friendships and training buddies who really will show you just how interesting, talented, unique and worthwhile your company is.
And if you want a taste of NLP, and how you can use it to be more attractive, come along to our free Live it Now weekend and experience NLP first hand!
Book your Excellence now training now, or come along to our incredible breakthrough NLP introductory weekend Live IT Now to get to know our team and see just how impactful NLP can be in your life.
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